I was pretty sad and in utter shock when i "read" the news on FB that my mom posted. I knew she wouldn't joke about something like that on FB and especially not on the first day of CNY. Not funny.
But after all, he is 94 year old and i really feel sad for him everytime i go home. My mom would complain about him this and that and start talking very loudly to him as if he's a kid who's hasn't done what he was told.
Frankly speaking, i have thought about this day for a couple of times. What happens if granddad pass away? How's mom going to feel for everything she's said to him? I wouldn't want to be pushed to speak like that to my parents when they're as old as he was.
Now i know, my mom was shattered. The news almost killed her, as i expected, she started questioning if it was the right decision to put him in old-ppl's home, whether he was unhappy, if she hasn't looked after him good enough.
I am certainly guilty for not having speak to him as often as i can, and not caring about him the way he did when i was a kid. I'm not proud of it.
These days - the phrase - "Life Happens" keeps wandering in my head. This is life - people die, people you love dies, there is not a single thing you can do to prevent this from happening. Thats when "you only live once" comes in - life no regrets, live everyday as if it's the last day.
Despite the positive thinking (which i honestly believe in) - I knew i still feel really sad inside, deep inside. I stopped crying on the second day but i can feel the emotions surfacing whenever i see things that may trigger my soft side, my eyes swells up and i need to swallow hard and make it go away. It could be as simple as a sad song or seeing old people picking trash on the street.
I planned to be at work two days but i took them off at the end. I need my me time. With Tai Hau, i tried not to be too sad because I know if i'm sad, it puts him in a weird mood too.
Life goes on, we all have to move on one way or another, but honestly this feels odd. I can't wondering, as much as i don't want to, my own mother will eventually leave me one day and how heartbroken will i be? So many things happened all these years, resentments, arguments, disagreements but still we manage to have a relation with each other. Not that she is here to help me when i needed or pamper me when i'm heartbroken but she's my mother, as much as i may not have understood why she does certain thing, she raise me (at least for 15 out of my 3x yrs), who am i going to call if i want to gossip about my step brother? Who am i going to call if i want to find out how to clean the bathroom effectively? Who am i going to call if i ended up having a broken marriage (if i'll ever have one)?
So much sorrow inside, i wish it'll go away soon.
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